A Tale of Fish-Balancers...

The weather changes in Spring bring about the emergence of many strange and unusual creatures. In May, you can often find snapping turtles the size of truck wheels, or hear the deafening chorus of a million sexually aroused amphibians at your local frog-bog.

However, it is not of the native wildlife of which I speak. No, the weirdest creatures that crawl forth every Spring are of the human kind. While I fear that the world is not yet ready for my tale of the "fish-balancers", take heart brave reader, and all shall be revealed.

This curious monstrosity can be found clustered on the shores of many a Walleye or Smallmouth water at this time of the year; yes that's right, they fish in packs. There are several varieties, ranging from the small and insignificant Lesser-Spotted Fish-Balancer, right up to the 400-500 pound majestic "king of the lake", the Plaid-Bellied Fish-Balancer.

These giants of the waterways can be found, gurgling, belching and farting in unison, at most waters bearing the tag of "Trophy Walleye Spot". If you are lucky enough, you will also at this time of the year witness them shedding their winter plumage, a truly awesome sight that few are privileged to behold first-hand. In a remarkable and speedy metamorphosis the Plaid-Bellied Fish-Balancer is quickly transmogrified from what appears to be a smelly, drunken fat man into a proto-larval stage closely resembling a pink, sweaty, beached whale. So, if you happen to spy what appears to be a vast mound of sunburnt blubber, approach carefully down-wind; if you catch the exotic scent of worms, Lienie's Red and week-old sweat you are definitely in luck... you have found a Plaid-Bellied Fish-Balancer in his mating plumage!

At this time, a small amount of patience will reward the observer; you will soon see the mating dance of this curious Wisconsin native species. The display starts with either an extra-loud snore, belch or flatulent attack (depending upon the time of day, although scientists are divided on this point), which appears to wake the dominant male from his normal pose of inebriated relaxation. He then gives vent to an inarticulate yell (sounding something like "Fak-me-bubbers-gorn", repeated quickly three or four times), while simultaneously (ah, the raw beauty of these instinctually-choreographed motions) pulling back hard on his short fishing rod, three or four times, as if he were a mighty samurai attempting the Kea-Wan-Huh, or up-stroke evisceration technique; a method normally found most efficacious when faced with a charging elephant.

Generally the display ends at this point with a high-pitched scream of either pain or anger (hard to prove as scientific opinion is still in doubt on whether this species can actually feel pain), as the offending bobber and terminal tackle exits the water at twice the speed of a Polaris missile, and impales itself either in the voluminous folds of the Plaid-Bellied Fish-Balancers beergut, or into the bank side herbage.

Very occasionally, you will be privileged to witness a truly unique event... with a ferocious winding a miniscule walleye or micro-bass will be hauled to the shore and dumped unceremoniously on the concrete. I was once blessed with seeing the ultimate ending display. The fish in question was somewhat smaller than average; the Plaid-Bellied Fish-Balancer was a huge creature, the sun glinting alarmingly off his polished red head. With a ferocious yell that would have reflected great credit on Attila the Hun, he ripped his "whuppin' stik" back with the sound of a rifle shot... the small fish ricocheted off his bald pate and flew into the road some fifty paces behind him, where it was promptly run over by a Hummer.

If you are not as lucky as myself, you should still get to witness the more-normal courtship ritual. With the fish wriggling on the concrete the "lucky angler' will shamble over to his catch and proceed to "balance" on one end of it (generally the tail end) while attempting to extricate the hook from the mouth end using the sort of equipment generally reserved for replacing the drive sprockets on Abrams M1A1 tanks. Yes that's right folks, that's how the Fish-Balancer gets it's name; it really does attempt to balance itself on every fish it catches!

Once (or maybe if?) the hook is removed, the same utensil is then used to pick the fish up by a lip or fin (assuming the afore-mentioned creature can still lay claim to such an appendage?), whence the final part of the ritual is played out. With a mighty heave and dexterous back-hand flip, the fish is launched in the air, high above the head of its happy captor, and generally back into the water. Sometimes the Fish-Balancer miscalculates this last and final art, with the unfortunate result that the fish ends up in a lady's hat, a passer-by's back-pocket or maybe on the roof of a nearby building. Generally however, the fish is returned safely (sic) to the watery depths... possibly wiser but definitely somewhat flatter from it's impromptu part in the whole strange, unscripted play.

Now, I know that some of you out there will doubt the veracity of my statement... but I swear every word of this strange, exotic ritual is true. Away with you, doubter's! Go out into the WI country-side with your camera, and try to get close to these wonderful, wild creatures; I promise that you will see the Fish-Balancers proudly displaying on any given weekend in May and June!